The other day Micah went to Grammy’s house, so I was at home with just Sky and Autumn. I’d originally planned to do something fun with Sky like bake cookies while Autumn took her long morning nap. But Autumn had other plans. She woke up early and she was fussy.
We’d had a string of rough nights, so I was bleary-eyed even though it was 10am and I’d already had some strong coffee. I decided that maybe Autumn’s problem was tummy-related and that we should run out to the store for some gripe water, so I told Sky it was “girl’s morning out!” and off we went. We bought the gripe water and a few other things, and then headed outside with Skylar carrying two helium balloons—one for her and one for Micah.
I’d just finished loading the bags into the van when Sky started yelling, “MOMMY! The balloons are TANGLED!” (Every problem is an emergency in Sky’s three-year-old world.) I put my keys in my mouth and went to work separating them. Finally, I got the knots undone and handed her the balloons.
Then I turned back to the cart and sucked in my breath. The cart was completely empty. “Oh-my-gosh-where’s-Autumn?!” I said in a total panic. Sky was busy climbing into her car seat, oblivious. And then, “Oh. She’s right here, in the Ergo,” I said. Great big sigh.
Driving home I wondered what had become of me. I thought I’d lost my infant while she was strapped against my chest. Does sleep deprivation permanently destroy brain cells? Or will I one day go back to normal? All I could think about on that drive home was sleep. That I wasn’t getting any. And how sleep is basic need. And I was suddenly in a bad mood. A very bad mood.
When we got home, Autumn fell asleep in the swing. It was my chance to make cookies with Sky. But instead I put her in front of the TV with a snack and sat down by myself with another cup of coffee. I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to get up and do something fun with Skylar.
That evening Autumn went to sleep at 9:30pm. I crawled into bed at 10:30, dreading another night of ups and downs. But I didn’t wake up until 4:30am, the first time Autumn cried to be fed.
The next day I felt fantastic. 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the world was a brighter place. I made a meal plan and a grocery list. I cleaned. When Sky and Micah fought over toys I stayed calm. I even contemplated baking a loaf of bread.
But I also felt convicted. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to have a joyful spirit even when things aren’t working out the way we want. I know God has special grace for moms with little ones. But I don’t want to be a mom who whines and complains just because I haven’t had a full night’s sleep or “enough” free time or whatever else I think I need. It is possible to face the little daily challenges of being a mom without moping around, making everyone miserable.
I haven’t always done the best job staying positive on little sleep. But I know that with three little kids, I’ll have more opportunities to try again soon.
Love your blog! Does Autumn do well in the ergo? I need to try it with Hudson, just reluctant since he is “so small”. Any tips?
If you have the infant insert, you can use it even with a tiny baby. Just wrap him up like a taco, turn him sideways against you, and strap him in really tight. All of our babies have loved it and usually go to sleep after a few minutes. =)
What a sweet picture of Autumn! She looks like Skylar there. By the way, that moment of panic when you thought Autumn had been taken from the cart? Many of us call those “senior moments” and they happen regularly. Chalk it up to practice for later. Much later.
It is Skylar. I used an old pic. =)
I laughed out loud reading this. Oh, sweet friend, I have done the same thing! Panicked, thinking I’d forgotten someone, only to find them already in the car seat
Glad you got some good rest! Quinn has done the every three hour thing the last 3 nights. I’m a little bleary-eyed at 3:30pm still 
Like you, I’m still learning to be joyful in everything. Great post!
Isn’t is amazing what many a good or bad night’s sleep can do to us? May God bless all of you with many more long good nights sleep.
Linni! This is almost exactly the thoughts I’ve had recently when I look back over the tired/rough vs rested/peaceful days in the week- I am on a mission to learn to be ‘joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer’ not just on the days when it’s easy to, but especially on the hardest days. God saw fit to help us learn it through three little treasures- what better way to shape us than them?!:) Love you and so wish we could laugh and contemplate it all over coffee together!!
You are doing a wonderful job, grace grace grace. And in my experience so far? The brain cells are gone for good:)
Thanks Jess! Someday we will have coffee together again. It’ll probably be very chaotic, with lots of kids interrupting us. =) We are so blessed!
Linnea you are doing great!! I am so excited to read this post because I was rocking Tanner and doing our nightly prayers and when the Holy Spirit brought you to mind my specific prayer for you is consecutive sleep.Praise God for that. Life is three times harder with no sleep. I am hoping the same for you tonight. Do not feel too guilty. You are only one person spending your days taking care of three. Prayers and blessings!!
Thank you so much, Mendy! And I’m very excited about your happy news. =)