On Monday night our black Subaru Forester pulled out of our driveway for the last time, and as “the Fozzy” headed off into the sunset with its new family I realized I’ll miss our car more than I miss our last house. And Adam and I got to design that house.
How did I get so attached to a car? I guess we all get attached to certain things in our lives. The Fozzy was small and simple and always felt like a reliable friend as it carried us home, loaded down with kids and groceries and whatever else I’d piled into the back. It never left me stranded on the side of the road or protested when I blasted the stereo to cover up the noise of fussy kids in the back seat.
We didn’t want to sell the car, but after trying hard to fit three car seats in the back—a puzzle we could not put together—we realized we need more space. And maybe that’s part of why it was hard to watch the Fozzy drive away. We are beyond excited about baby #3. But there is a small part of me that’s also, well, a bit scared. Sometimes I look at Adam and think, are we really the ones in charge of these precious little lives?
People like to say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. But I haven’t found that to be true. I felt completely overwhelmed when we struggled with infertility, like it was constantly breaking my spirit apart, and it was. I couldn’t handle it. But I think I needed to come to the end of what I could do, so that my only two options were to walk away from God or to trust Him. I knew life apart from Him wouldn’t be worth living, and over time, He drew me closer to Him than I’d ever been. His grace proved sufficient for me long before I became a mother.
Having a baby is obviously, the opposite of infertility. This child is an answer to prayer, a joy, and a blessing in the fullest sense of the word. But she will also bring a new level of responsibility into my life. And I think God wants to use this blessing just like He used the pain of infertility: to create in me a greater dependence on Him. I guess in that sense it’s not bad to feel overwhelmed. It’s good to remember how incapable I am of doing anything on my own.
Friends tell me I’ll love driving a minivan and I probably will. It’s a symbol of an expanding life, one I’m thrilled to be living. There are some things I find complicated and intimidating, but God never said I have to make all the right choices or manage the details perfectly. He says to humble myself before Him and that His power is made perfect in weakness. Knowing Christ is the biggest relief of my life.
I know how it feels to watch your beloved car drive away. A month ago i sold my green mazda, called Ruffwus… I miss this car but I have a new and it’s ok. Life needs to go on too…
Aww, thanks Malin! =)
Smiling. I’m so glad that you NEED a minivan!! : )
I know! It’s a happy thing for sure.
I agree with Carole – it is so cool to think of why you NEED this change. The other day I was thinking about the photo of the cloud “the size of a man’s hand” that you hung up during your time of waiting. It occurred to me that the story wasn’t about how one small cloud brought one brief shower, but how that insignificant looking cloud grew until it filled the sky and brought a downpour which signaled the end of the drought. For you and Adam it wasn’t just a promise for the arrival of sweet, amazing Skylar, but a promise for a “downpour” of little ones! Your drought is over! And needing to get a bigger vehicle is just one more sign of God fulfilling that promise for you two. I stand back in awe of how He works!
Aron, your comment brings tears to my eyes! Your perspective is always profoundly mature. I love you and I’m praying for you.
Linnea, I’ve always appreciated your blogs but lately I’ve found so much comfort in them since I’ve become a mother. This one really spoke to me not because of the new vehicle part (which I am so excited for you) but the last part about God not expecting us to make all the right choices or manage the details perfectly. I went back to teach on Monday and am having a really difficult time with leaving my precious girl. I feel like someone else is getting to raise her and watch her grow. Bo and I have both struggled with the ‘details’ of how I could stay home and that’s why I went back to by us some time to think and be sure I wouldn’t like working again. But im really struggling and don’t know what to do. Any advice or favorite scriptures from when you were in my shoes? Love ya and keep posting.
Rachel, congrats on becoming a mom! I really struggled with the work decision too. I took a full year off after I had Sky, but when it came time to say for sure whether or not I’d be back, I just sort of froze. I was leaning toward staying home, then found out baby #2 was on the way, and that basically made the decision for us.
I’m not sure I have any good advice… Staying home is harder than I thought it would be. But for me, it was the decision I knew I wouldn’t regret. Everyone is different, but I’m thankful every day to be home and I don’t question it anymore.
Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of my favorite passages for making decisions, and also Psalm 25. God is for you, He wants you to make the best decision, and He will help you do it. I’m praying for you this morning!