With our history of infertility, pregnancy isn’t something I will ever take for granted. A new baby on the way is always a blessing, and a few weeks ago we had a wonderful ultrasound and learned we are having another BOY! (Micah is a little excited.) So why have I been feeling down lately?
I guess it’s a combination of things. Four pregnancies in five and a half years have created some painful varicose veins in my legs. Heavy compression stockings help some… but it’s August… and I live in Florida… with kids who love—and need!—to spend time outside every day. I am still figuring out how to homeschool Skylar with Micah chattering in the background and Autumn occasionally climbing on us. I am also supposed to be sitting as much as possible with my feet up, which I could probably get into, if my kids could somehow take care of their own diaper changes and meals and laundry. Lately I’ve spent too much time thinking about how much I miss my family up north (and northern weather!) instead of focusing on where God has me today.
And underneath it all there is a constant, nagging question: what makes you think can you handle all this?
But there is an upside to being overwhelmed. I’m more thankful than ever for my huge, Almighty God, who knows I am weak and fragile and promises not to leave me in the deep water by myself. I’ve been praying more and often find myself amazed at how God brings me the exact verse, sermon, conversation, or book I need on any given day. I can’t tell you how much I better I feel after I read anything by Jen Hatmaker. She’s always reminding me that hey! It’s okay to laugh about how exhausting my kids can be. And I don’t have to be a pinterest-junkie, make-everything-from-scratch kind of mom before God will work in the lives of my kids.
My recent favorite is a chapter from Rachel Jankovic’s latest book. Jankovic, mom to a whole bunch of little kids (6!), says sometimes she feels like a milkshake cup and each of her children has a straw (nursing babies and babies in utero have an advantage because they get first dibs on the milkshake). “Have you ever noticed that when there is more than one straw in the milkshake, everyone sucks faster?” she asks. “When the glass is full, things are pretty pleasant… But when I’m down to the last inch of milkshake, all the straws start making that horrible noise as they swab around in the bottom of the glass… They all feel the panic of limited supply. They all start getting intense and sucking much, much harder… I want everyone to stop so I can have a chance to whip up a new batch. No one stops, because they are trying to get the last of the film off the glass, leaving nothing behind.”
But Jankovic points out that our children are only doing what they were designed to do—go to mommy to get what they need. It isn’t their fault there are a lot of straws in the milkshake. There are things we can do to refill our cups before we are completely dry. But the truth is that motherhood will always drain us. We set ourselves up for failure when we think doing things “right” will make our days easy. A professional runner does not find running easy, no matter how fast he is. He is always working hard, pushing himself to be better.
It’s nice to know that even a wise woman of faith like Rachel Jankovic almost always has a moment in her day when she feels like her “head may explode, or fall off, or something equally dramatic.” Motherhood is hard for everyone at some point. And when I’m feeling worn out and empty, it helps to remember that it’s normal to feel drained, and it’s okay to cry if I need to or better, to laugh about the craziness, and most of all trust that somehow soon God will fill me up again.
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