The other day Micah went to Grammy’s house, so I was at home with just Sky and Autumn. I’d originally planned to do something fun with Sky like bake cookies while Autumn took her long morning nap. But Autumn had other plans. She woke up early and she was fussy.
We’d had a string of rough nights, so I was bleary-eyed even though it was 10am and I’d already had some strong coffee. I decided that maybe Autumn’s problem was tummy-related and that we should run out to the store for some gripe water, so I told Sky it was “girl’s morning out!” and off we went. We bought the gripe water and a few other things, and then headed outside with Skylar carrying two helium balloons—one for her and one for Micah.
I’d just finished loading the bags into the van when Sky started yelling, “MOMMY! The balloons are TANGLED!” (Every problem is an emergency in Sky’s three-year-old world.) I put my keys in my mouth and went to work separating them. Finally, I got the knots undone and handed her the balloons.
Then I turned back to the cart and sucked in my breath. The cart was completely empty. “Oh-my-gosh-where’s-Autumn?!” I said in a total panic. Sky was busy climbing into her car seat, oblivious. And then, “Oh. She’s right here, in the Ergo,” I said. Great big sigh.
Driving home I wondered what had become of me. I thought I’d lost my infant while she was strapped against my chest. Does sleep deprivation permanently destroy brain cells? Or will I one day go back to normal? All I could think about on that drive home was sleep. That I wasn’t getting any. And how sleep is basic need. And I was suddenly in a bad mood. A very bad mood.
When we got home, Autumn fell asleep in the swing. It was my chance to make cookies with Sky. But instead I put her in front of the TV with a snack and sat down by myself with another cup of coffee. I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to get up and do something fun with Skylar.
That evening Autumn went to sleep at 9:30pm. I crawled into bed at 10:30, dreading another night of ups and downs. But I didn’t wake up until 4:30am, the first time Autumn cried to be fed.
The next day I felt fantastic. 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the world was a brighter place. I made a meal plan and a grocery list. I cleaned. When Sky and Micah fought over toys I stayed calm. I even contemplated baking a loaf of bread.
But I also felt convicted. The Bible is pretty clear that we are to have a joyful spirit even when things aren’t working out the way we want. I know God has special grace for moms with little ones. But I don’t want to be a mom who whines and complains just because I haven’t had a full night’s sleep or “enough” free time or whatever else I think I need. It is possible to face the little daily challenges of being a mom without moping around, making everyone miserable.
I haven’t always done the best job staying positive on little sleep. But I know that with three little kids, I’ll have more opportunities to try again soon.
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