One Month

Autumn was born one month ago today and I still find myself on a “birth high” whenever I remember it. But we’ve had plenty of reality in our family this month too—work stress, breastfeeding struggles, sleepless nights, and temper tantrums from our two and three year old kids.

Okay fine, sometimes I’m the one having the meltdown. I can still blame it on shifting hormones at this point, right?

I’m also going through a series of treatments for the varicose veins in my legs. They were mildly uncomfortable during my first pregnancy, slightly worse during my second, and absolutely awful during the third—burning, stinging, aching, and hideously ugly. It’s a relief to finally deal with them, but the treatments aren’t quick. There are lots of needles involved. And compression bandages that run from the top to the bottom of each leg. So far I’ve finished two out of eight appointments. I’m already starting to feel better and I know it’ll be worth it.

But right now, I’m tired.

Very tired.

The other night while Adam gave Sky and Micah a bath, I decided to take Autumn outside for a walk. She was fussy, as most babies are in the evenings, and pacing around the house was apparently not what she wanted. As we stepped out onto the porch, a warm wind rushed over us. We headed down the driveway onto the road and within minutes, Autumn was asleep. I walked toward the sunset, bright orange and purple, and watched the trees bend in the wind and felt the weight of the baby in my arms. My back and legs ached. These days it seems like there’s always someone in our house who wants to be held.

And as I walked, I began to remember all the other times I’ve gone walking to calm a fussy baby, usually in the evenings when I’m already feeling worn out from the day and trying to mentally prepare for a long, active night.

But you know what I realized? I love those memories.

Walking a baby to sleep is hard work. Most of the time I would probably choose to do something else if I could. Something really important like reading People magazine or watching Teen Mom. But in hindsight, soothing a baby is always a worthwhile way to spend my time. When I sit in the rocker on our back porch with Autumn and watch Sky and Micah run around in the backyard, I like to remember that I held and rocked them too. Just a few years ago they were tiny and helpless like Autumn is today, and now they’re strong little individuals that can play and yell and give me kisses and tell me when something’s wrong.

Is this why it’s easier to have the third baby than it was to have the first? It’s not as hard to see the big picture this time.

I’m tired. Have I mentioned that yet?

But when something triggers long term thinking, I get a little rush of energy that carries me through till bedtime. Or morning. 😉