In early May I had a positive pregnancy test, but at my first ultrasound there was nothing to see. “I think you’re just too early,” said the nurse, “maybe 3-4 weeks.” I blinked back tears. “That can’t be right,” I said. The dates didn’t line up in my mind. How could I be just three weeks pregnant, just one week past conception, when I’d been feeling sick for a full week at least and it had been five days since my first positive test?
Barb, the Pregnancy Center’s director, was standing at my side. “Let’s pray,” she said, reaching for my hand, and I let my tears fall—a mix of fear and gratitude. I am so thankful the Pregnancy Center exists, that Barb runs it with excellence and compassion, and that I was there that day for my uncertain ultrasound, where I could cry and be hugged and reassured of God’s good plan no matter what. “If nothing changes, come back in four weeks and we’ll do another ultrasound for you,” Barb said as I left.
I drove to the park where Adam was with the kids and told him, “I think I got pregnant a few weeks ago, but the baby died. There was nothing to see but a teeny-tiny circle.” He wrapped his arms around me and I cried some more and said, “Now when we are together as a family, there will always be someone missing.”
The morning sickness I’d had earlier seemed to fade a bit over the next week. I told my mom what had happened and she said I’d see the baby someday in heaven. “Now you’ll be able to relate in a new way to everyone you know who experiences a miscarriage.” And that’s my mom, always quick to point out the spiritual potential in any trial.
On Mother’s Day Adam and I packed a picnic and took the kids to the lake at dinnertime. It was fun, but I felt nauseous the whole time. The next day it was more of the same. After a few more days I told Adam, “I feel pregnant, the same way I did with our other babies.” I studied the calendar. Maybe I was still pregnant, just not as far along as I’d first thought? Three weeks was not possible. But four or five… well, maybe. As the days passed I felt worse and worse physically. It seemed like a good sign. But I wondered what to think. Should I hope the baby was okay? Or was I setting myself up for a very hard fall?
And that’s where I lived for four long weeks—in a sort of pregnancy no-man’s-land, with all the morning sickness, but none of the excitement. I didn’t try to figure out a due date or let myself daydream about names. It would have only sharpened the pain of a miscarriage.
Adam and I started praying for the baby. It felt strange. God had already decided if the baby was living or not; it was just a matter of waiting to find out. But we prayed anyway, reminding each other that our God can do anything. And He showed us something during those four eternal weeks: just how much we wanted this baby. We hadn’t planned on getting pregnant. We actually feel a bit maxed out with our kids at the moment, ages 4, 3, and 16 months. How would we manage another one so soon? As we waited, we realized we didn’t care. We wanted this baby, this baby, not a different child who might come along later. So we prayed and we waited and we hoped.
In early June we went back to the Pregnancy Center. I was practically shaking as I climbed onto the table, Barb once again at my side. The nurse was kind. A split second after putting the wand on my tummy she said, “I see a baby and I see a heartbeat.” Then she turned up the volume so we could all hear its sweet sound. “According to the baby’s size, you’re 8 weeks, 6 days pregnant.”
At this point I’m twelve weeks, and we’re excited to share our happy news. Adam and I spent the first five years of our marriage wondering if we’d ever be parents. In the second five years, God has given us four babies (!!!). Infertility and miscarriage are too common in our world today, and our hearts are heavy for any couple still waiting and praying for children. At the same time, we are overjoyed that our family is growing. And yes, we are slightly terrified too. But most of all we’re thankful. We are counting on God to give us everything we need to raise our little family and we know He will be faithful.
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