Just Beginning

Recently I’ve realized that sometimes the big things I want to do “for God” are really more for myself.

Sometimes following Jesus is a wild, risky adventure. Sometimes He takes us around the world for His name’s sake. But sometimes I think He just wants me to change the fifth poopy diaper of the day without complaining.

And you know what I’ve found? There is peace in accepting that one type of ministry is not more important to God than another.

Sometimes I have these moments. Like when Sky and Micah are riding their bikes in the driveway and Autumn’s playing next to me in the grass while I hang her cloth diapers out to dry in the sun. And we’re all barefoot with no plans except to watch for Daddy’s truck to come rolling down the road at 5:30pm. And I have nothing to post on Facebook, and I don’t really care because this quiet life with my family in our simple Florida town is what God has given me, and it’s enough.

But then of course there are other moments.

When the toddler is climbing up my legs in our messy kitchen and the three year old is trying to set a record for number of tantrums before 9am and the four year old has thrown every book in the house on the living room floor because, “I’m going to make a library, Mommy!” And there I am, counting the hours till I can put my three little miracles to bed.

I recently had an epiphany in one of those moments. And here it is: I am a beginner mom. Lord willing, I’ll be a mama for decades. Right now my oldest child is 4. So it makes sense that most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing, right? I’m just a baby at this whole parenting thing!

Hmm… Maybe that’s why God keeps reminding me to work quietly and do more listening than talking.

All I know is I need help. A lot of help. So lately I’ve been seeking it out. Recently my friend Dorothy—lead MOPS mentor, mother of eight (!!!), and fountain of wisdom (I hope she’s reading this)—came over for tea and let me pour out my heart to her. I get that my family is my ministry. It’s a message I’m hearing from every direction lately. But does that mean I shouldn’t pursue any structured ministry outside this house? I love helping once a week at the Women’s Pregnancy Center and I hope I’m a blessing there. But I don’t want to do it just to make myself feel important or so I can check the serving box off my “Good Christian” to-do list.

After I dumped my confusion into Dorothy’s lap, she said this: “Two things come to mind. First of all, is your husband completely behind you? Does he encourage you to go and see his part in taking care of the kids as a ministry too?” (Easy answer: yes.) She went on: “My other thought is that the ministries I’ve been part of over the years have energized me. It’s always hard to get out the door. But what happens when you’re there?” (Super easy: it’s the quickest three hours of the week! Well, except for my kids’ naptime.)

Talking it all through with Dorothy brought me such clarity. I should have asked her  about it a lot sooner. Now on Thursday nights when I leave the chaos of home for the Pregnancy Center, I feel settled about my tiny part in the ministry there. I can love it without feeling conflicted. I’m thankful for my full-time job here at home and thankful God has given me a little window of time away from it each week.

And I’m very thankful for women like Dorothy, Titus 2 women, who have so much wisdom to give and the willingness to share it with beginner mamas like me.