Anticipation

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and as my midwife said last week, I’m nearing “my window”, meaning the baby could come anytime. Since I was overdue with my first two babies, I’m not expecting this little one to arrive before her due date. But then again, you never know.

Birth is unpredictable.

And to be honest, that’s a little hard for me. I’m a planner and I like to know in advance what to expect. I’ve been through labor twice, so I do have an idea of what it’ll be like (especially the pain part—yikes), but every baby is different.

I have in my head the birth experience I want. I want to go into labor on my own and avoid another induction. I want to give birth without being hooked up to an IV and pumped full of synthetic substances. I would love, love, LOVE to have this baby sometime in the middle of February when she’s due, and not have to wait till I’m 42 weeks pregnant. And most of all, I want to have this baby in our home and not at the hospital.

Apparently, I want a lot of things.

When the Bible tells me to pour out my heart to God, I take it literally. I’ve asked God many times for a good home birth experience. I always feel better when I’m honest in my prayers. But afterward, I usually find myself remembering a verse on humility, like Isaiah 55:8. And I guess that’s the other half of asking for what I want—acknowledging that God can say no. Anytime to anything. Without explaining Himself to me.

My word for 2012 is calm. I want to have the gentle and quiet spirit that God values so much. And while that obviously applies to the way I interact with my kids, I think it’s also about holding my plans lightly. Not freaking out if a complication pops up that unexpectedly sends us to the hospital.

I can tell you right now that staying calm will be hard for me over the next month. Very hard. I’m tired and emotional and I don’t feel the greatest. And I really, really want to have this baby at home. Have I mentioned that yet?

But I’m thankful the Holy Spirit keeps bringing “my word” to mind. I don’t want to get so wrapped up in the “what ifs” of the birth that I miss out on the fun of anticipating this new little life. The other night Adam and I were talking about it and he compared the birth experience to a wedding. “I know the birth is very important,” he said, “just like a wedding is important. But in the end it’s about the marriage. What matters most to me right now is that you and the baby are healthy.” I married a wise man. =)

It’s been fun to plan our home birth and I hope it happens without any major complications. But in the end, it’s up to God.

“We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” – Proverbs 16:9