On Monday night our black Subaru Forester pulled out of our driveway for the last time, and as “the Fozzy” headed off into the sunset with its new family I realized I’ll miss our car more than I miss our last house. And Adam and I got to design that house.
How did I get so attached to a car? I guess we all get attached to certain things in our lives. The Fozzy was small and simple and always felt like a reliable friend as it carried us home, loaded down with kids and groceries and whatever else I’d piled into the back. It never left me stranded on the side of the road or protested when I blasted the stereo to cover up the noise of fussy kids in the back seat.
We didn’t want to sell the car, but after trying hard to fit three car seats in the back—a puzzle we could not put together—we realized we need more space. And maybe that’s part of why it was hard to watch the Fozzy drive away. We are beyond excited about baby #3. But there is a small part of me that’s also, well, a bit scared. Sometimes I look at Adam and think, are we really the ones in charge of these precious little lives?
People like to say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. But I haven’t found that to be true. I felt completely overwhelmed when we struggled with infertility, like it was constantly breaking my spirit apart, and it was. I couldn’t handle it. But I think I needed to come to the end of what I could do, so that my only two options were to walk away from God or to trust Him. I knew life apart from Him wouldn’t be worth living, and over time, He drew me closer to Him than I’d ever been. His grace proved sufficient for me long before I became a mother.
Having a baby is obviously, the opposite of infertility. This child is an answer to prayer, a joy, and a blessing in the fullest sense of the word. But she will also bring a new level of responsibility into my life. And I think God wants to use this blessing just like He used the pain of infertility: to create in me a greater dependence on Him. I guess in that sense it’s not bad to feel overwhelmed. It’s good to remember how incapable I am of doing anything on my own.
Friends tell me I’ll love driving a minivan and I probably will. It’s a symbol of an expanding life, one I’m thrilled to be living. There are some things I find complicated and intimidating, but God never said I have to make all the right choices or manage the details perfectly. He says to humble myself before Him and that His power is made perfect in weakness. Knowing Christ is the biggest relief of my life.
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